Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
