Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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