i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
