I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
