im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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