i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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