You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
