I skipped work to stalk him.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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