he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh god it's open bar.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
