I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
