My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
