YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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