hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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