i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
