we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
