Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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