Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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