one two three fourrrrnication!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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