Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
