i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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