I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
