I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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