so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You've changed since you got that strap on
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
