Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
