Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
