i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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