Just fell off a train. Bad.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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