Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
