I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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