what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
