I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
