I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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