i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
