Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
