Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
