I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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