I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
