After last night, I could never be a politician.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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