Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
