Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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