Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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