she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
