i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
