i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
