If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
