I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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