Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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