Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
