This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
