I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
