I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.