Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.