mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
