everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
