it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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