She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
