Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
