Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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