Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
