So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
