God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
