I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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