Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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